Adrift
by windbound
Summary: Sometimes there are no certainties.


Rating: T, Pairing: GSR

Disclaimer: Property of CBS etc, etc.

A/N: This was written for the lyric wheel challenge over at bestkeptprivate lj-community and x-posted there. Story inspired from Johnny Cash's lyrics "Sea of heartbreak" submitted by Cadiliniel. Thanks to grisslybear for the help and inspiration. All mistakes that remain are mine.

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Adrift

Colors changed with even the lightest ripple; shades of blue, green and black. He wasn't very fond of the sea, nothing too interesting to dig up there it seemed, but today he couldn't resist. He felt drawn to the endless watery movement that was yet so peaceful. If only his mind could find its own peace again.

With a deep sigh he shifted his gaze to the city lights ahead. So long ago since his last visit here, almost a lifetime…nothing warned him then how everything would change. How she would change him. A wildflower, so fragile that he was afraid to touch and so divine that when he did, finally, the senses that overwhelmed him was something he never thought could exist. But such happiness can slip out of your hands like evidence in the rain and it was painful to see for himself that no love is waterproof. Why did he come here? Wasn't there enough pain already?

Thoughts were exhausting him, a nightmare coming true. He tipped up his collar and swiftly hid his hands in his pockets again. He was freezing but whether the cold was coming from the outside or his own soul he couldn't say. His fingers quivered as they touched the paper edge. The letter. He slid it out to have one more look although there was really no need for that, he remembered every word. It must have been a hundred times he read it by now and still it felt so unreal.

_My dear Grissom,_

_It's been a while now that we've been drifting apart. I know you feel the same even though we never dared say a word to one another. As if not speaking about our feelings could make them go away. But this was always our way wasn't it? _

_Don't think for a moment that I blame you. I never wanted to change you although you enjoyed teasing me about this and there's no one else that I'd rather call the love of my life. We gave each other so much (maybe too much?) _

_Remember how you said, too much love can kill you, but I was never afraid of that, Griss. Too little was my worst fear. Yesterday I woke up next to you and felt like I was looking at a stranger and I panicked. Where did our love go? _

_I'm too afraid to stay any longer and find out its gone, I'd better go back to S.F. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me in this sea of heartbreak._

_Sara _

Is it gone then? He asked himself the same question a million times before -she was right, he also felt the distance growing- but there was simply no answer. All of a sudden, there were too many answers he didn't have anymore and he was tired. All he wanted to do these days was to hide from the voices in his head. Why couldn't they leave him alone? Instead she left him alone. Oh, where had he failed?

"Lookin' for somethin' son?"

Startled, he turned to look toward where the hoarse voice was coming from. Only four steps away, hidden in the shade of the pier, a stooping figure was watching him with the eyes of a drunkard. He looked like an old bum then again there was something noble in him he couldn't quite tell. Why did everyone expect an answer from him dammit?

"I'm looking um…for a ship."

The old man smiled as if it was the right answer and licked his lips with joy. "You've come to the right place son. We have plenty of ships in here. Some of them get lost and you never see them again till one day their wrecks are washed ashore, maybe in the form of a drunken bum. But some others are just lookin' for a safe harbor. They want to be found."

What was this? There were messages now everywhere? "What the heart seeks, the mind finds", he sighed and the thought set his logic back to trail. She had taken the step, she had decided. Like she did that rainy day, the year Nick came back from the dead. He honestly couldn't tell how long he could go on dancing around her, never provocative enough, never apathetic enough, if she hadn't cut straight through his defense then and there. It could have been another innocent gesture, an almost friend-to-friend kiss, if it hadn't been for her lips, just a little too close to his own, just a little more caressing than he could stand. She had left him there in the rain, a dumbfounded man, and later when he stood dribbling on her doorstep, she had taken him in without a word.

What if this was another bait of hers? "Sea of heartbreak", she wrote. What if she only needed him to come after her again, to assure her that nothing was lost, only maybe forgotten? No, no, no, he shouldn't be thinking this way. There was nothing trickier than hope. Hope would finish him off for certain. But why had he come here…

"If the ship ain't coming to his captain, the captain must go to the ship."

Grissom couldn't help but smile at the paraphrase. This old man was really something. "I'm a lousy captain."

"How do you know that son? A true captain never abandons ship and I ain't seeing you going anywhere."

"How…"

"Come on now, words will never be enough, go to her, go to your ship."

Grissom stopped smiling. He didn't know how it was possible, but maybe this was really a message. Or maybe the man only verbalized his own thoughts. "Who cared?" he thought. It was certainly his last chance. He would go to her again, tell her the only answer he knew; that he never regretted that day he met her, he never regretted that day he came to her door and that she did change him but he never regretted that either. Sometimes he could get lost with her but he could never be found without her. And maybe, just maybe, she felt the same.

Squeezing the letter in his fist, he turned to leave but hesitated for a second, the investigator in him demanding an explanation. "How did you know?"

The old man smiled again as if it was the right question. "She left a letter to ya, didn't she? A lady who leaves a letter behind wants to be found."

"That's what I thought too", Grissom exhaled with relief and saluted the man who spoke up for his own conscience.

xxx


End file.
